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Greatest Internet Outrages of 2013

by Jennie Z & Patricia G

If you’re the kind of chap who likes to get angry at other people on the internet, man, you must have had fun in 2013. There were SO MANY things to express your opinion about! Here’s our top 10 list of the best issues that you spoke your mind about.

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO thinks you’re not cool

He doesn’t want fat, unattractive people to buy his clothes. Since this describes at least 50% of the Internet population, this blew up.

C’mon. He looks like the lovechild of Gary Busey and Rocky Dennis. Why do you care what this douchebag thinks of you? Are you just angry because he’s the kind of guy who probably shoved you in a locker in High School?

Anyway. If you got angry about this, chances are you aren’t cool. Shut up, nerd.

Further entertainment :  the Militant Baker – TO: MIKE JEFFRIES, C/O ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH

Queveszamacalllit WallisQuvenzhané Wallis

Remember when the Onion called her a cunt back in February of 2013? Of course you don’t…  the Internet has been so full of offensiveness since then, we’ve forgotten about poor ol’ non-Oscar-winning Quevenzillionaire Wallis.

It was almost like they were TRYING to get people riled up. Hell, we call people cunts all the time and nobody gets that angry. That was my Christmas wish, too.

Why don’t you love me, Santa? 

Further entertainment :   New Study Finds ‘The Onion’ Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, Or More Respected

Misogyny EverywhereMisogyny EVERYWHERE

There was so much hate toward women this year that we had to sum it all up into one category. The words “slut-shaming,” “rapey” and “rape culture” were on everyone’s soft, supple, pouting lips.

Seth McFarlane, creator of high-brow comedies such as Family Guy and American Dad, surprisingly said some misogynistic things at the Oscars. The Doctor regenerated into an old white guy again, grossly violating Gallifreyan Affirmative Action laws. “Blurred Lines”, a song about a prude who won’t have sex with Robin Thicke, was twerkin’ everybody’s inner feminist this summer.

When will the hatred toward women END?

Speaking of twerking…

Miley-Cyrus-performance-at-MTV-VMA-2013-2223057Miley Cyrus

A 20 year old pop star who acted like a 20 year old pop star at the MTV Awards (this is still a thing?) We were OUTRAGED that a young female singer acted like a young female singer! Madonna who? Britney wut? Lady Goo Goo Doll?

The “Open Letter” became the hottest celebrity trend as Sinead O’ Connor and Amanda Palmer and Miley all tried to convince each other that they had the most valid opinion.

Further entertainment: Miley Vs Sinead Vs Amanda Vs Broads

NJ-Receipt-DiscrepancyThe Lesbian Waitress Saga

Poor Waitress. Excuse me, poor LESBIAN Waitress, Dayna Morales, got a receipt with a note scrawled  on it, apparently by the customer: I’m sorry but I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle. The Internet was aghast and appalled.

Did I mention she’s a lesbian? Because that’s the main difference I could see between this story and the Single Mom, Sorry receipt from the previous year. After posting the hate-filled receipt on a popular Facebook page, The Internet started sending donations to Ms. Morales to show how non-hateful they are about lesbians. Hell, the Internet LOVES lesbians. Just Google search “Lesbian love” and … well, I digress.

What I’m saying is, people were hook, line and sinker on this one, ready to fight for the disrespected lesbian waitress, even after details started coming out about this being a giant hoax. Ooops.

o-SPAGHETTIOS-PEARL-HARBOR-570Spaghetti-O’s Hates/Loves America

Those heathens! Those godless, anti-American corporate swine! How dare they even MENTION a tragic event in American history? It’s like they’re trying to get everyone’s attention and support .. which is COMPLETELY unlike how you posted a touching tribute to Nelson Mandela to farm “likes” from your friends on Facebook … right?

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if they had just taken it down right away!” Said one tweet. I assure you it was just as offensive when I found out about it a couple days later when people kept talking about it The Internet NEVER forgets, right AT&T?

Some of the resulting tweets were pretty hilarious though.

Comedienne Natasha Leggero re-kindled the flames again a couple weeks later, angering people by suggesting that Pearl Harbor veterans actually eat Spaghettio’s. Everybody knows only kids with lazy parents and poor college students eat that crap.

BenAffleck-HEWASTHEBOMBINPHANTOMSBen Affleck as Batman

In August of 2013, a casting announcement was made that was the equivalent of when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Ben Affleck would be playing the iconic role of Batman in the “do we really need to throw Batman in the mix so soon?” sequel to “Man of Steel“.

Gigli” Ben Affleck. “Jersey Girl” Ben Affleck. “Daredevil” Ben Affleck.

The internet was outraged that the star of “Armageddon” would be taking on the role of America’s favorite superhero. Petitions were started to get Ben Affleck off of the project because online petitions always accomplish things.

But wait, let’s take a look at Ben Affleck’s career. 2012’s “Argo“, directed by and starring Affleck, won awards for Best Director and took home the Academy Award for Best Picture. Affleck was also the recipient of a Best Original Screenplay Academy Award for “Good Will Hunting“. Remember when Kevin Smith was good and Affleck won our hearts with “Chasing Amy“? And by the way, have you seen “The Town“? Fantastic movie with a fantastic performance from Affleck. These are things to consider, and we should probably just take a “wait and see” approach since the “Hey DC, you can slow your roll and not be in such a hurry for your Justice League film to catch up to the Avengers” sequel to “Man of Steel” is over a year away.

Remember the “WTF?’s” heard around the world when Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker only to be silenced by one of the greatest interpretations of the character? Then again, the internet shit itself when Hayden Christensen was cast as Anakin Skywalker in the “Star Wars” prequels and it turned out that the aforementioned pants shitting was justified.

So, cool it, internet. Just wait for the damn movie.

kanye-west-300Getting angry at Kanye West for being Kanye West

That Kanye West fellow is such a douche! I mean, come on! Pop stars shouldn’t have such big egos! He compared himself to Steve Jobs and God! How DARE he? It was totally ok when Axl Rose was a jerk, and it was totally ok when Prince felt he was the most important in the world. And it was just FINE when Michael Jackson demanded that MTV refer to him as the “King of Pop” or else he wouldn’t submit any more videos to them. Kanye is talentless! He shouldn’t have a huge ego! It’s not like he’s won 21 Grammys and countless other awards! Oh, wait.

Well, he’s still talentless. It’s not like his albums regularly end up on critics’ end of year “Best of” lists. Oh, wait.

horse-ebooks-postHorse_eBooks

People love interpreting meaning from nonsense (which explains why most pop music does so well.) They love it especially when it comes from a computer, randomly generating poetic-sounding phrases in ADD-friendly 140 character chunks. So, it’s no surprise that Horse_ebooks was such a well-loved twitter spambot, unlike that Social Media Guru guy who just posts 20 Ways to Get New Followers.

They were pissed when they found out that what they thought was randomly meaningful was actually carefully crafted by a human being to SOUND randomly meaningful, as part of an art project. What a douchebag! How dare he fool us!

Further entertainment:  KnowYourMeme.com :: PBS Idea Channel

Phil Robertson of Duck DynastyDuck Dynasty

Homophobic, racist rednecks? THE HELL YOU SAY.

As far as hate-speech goes, this is actually pretty mild.  All of your ranting and wharrgarbling isn’t going to change his mind, either, so now he’s just going to keep his bigotry in the closet. (See what I did there?)

Papa Duck probably even says worse stuff than this when he’s not being interviewed.  If it’s anything like some of the white trash rhetoric I’ve personally heard, whatever he says will now be tinged with bitter remarks about “free speech” and how “ya can’t say those kind of things any more without TEH GAYS and TEH BLACKS gettin all bent out of shape.”

By the way, there’s a good chance that PEOPLE YOU KNOW say worse shit than this every day. I’d really like to hear people speak up as loud in real life as they do on the internet.

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Honorable Mentions

These outrages were not quite horrible enough to be included on the list.

Breaking Bad finale was not good enough – idiot neckbeards on reddit thought the finale  was “too neat” or even thought maybe it was “just a dream.” Shut up. It was the best series finale ever.  Steer your hatred toward a show that deserves it, like Dexter.

Ender’s Game – Been there, done that

There is more talk about Paul Walker than Nelson Mandeladitto

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What did we forget? Comment or call and tell us how wrong we are.

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Jennie Zell
About Jennie Zell 37 Articles
A space traveller from Liverpool, Jennie has come to drop knowledge on you. She is in a serious relationship with a handsome member of Starfleet, and has an adolescent Japanese daughter. Jennie’s super powers include designing magical gateways and drinking delicious cocktails.

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