I love watching the Grammy awards. The all-out performances, the stars, the excitement that builds as I wait to see if my favorite musicians won…
Unfortunately, I completely missed it this year, so here’s my report of the highlights as I was able to pick up from the Internet.
The dad from Growing Pains sang about how much he loves questionably consensual sex. Miley Cyrus was in good form with her Cirque Du Soleil show, which has improved greatly since she got rid of the wrecking ball and put a LITTLE more clothing on.
I also missed the live-action Toy Story movie this year, but apparently the soundtrack was good enough to net a Grammy. Here’s Buzz and Woody accepting the award from Whoopi Goldberg:
Classic comedy/music act Martin and Lewis really need to update their wardrobes. Houndstooth and velvet are so 1950’s.
In the mid 90’s, Thom Yorke and Bjork had a secret love child named Lorde and shipped her off to New Zealand to be raised by Hobbits. She won a couple of awards and shows how she plans on making them into a cone-shaped bra like Madonna used to have. Whatever happened to Madonna, anyway?
‘Mama’ Cass Elliot and Colonel Sanders sing an inspiring song about how much they love fried chicken.
Not to be outdone by Beyonce’s opening act, Elvira made a comeback with a LITERALLY HOT strip/donkey show.
At the after-party, Glinda the Witch of the North bragged about how she destroyed her mortal enemy Elvira by burning her at the stake.
Inspired by the marriage of 34 couples during the Martin & Lewis show, these two old guys performed a duet called “Queenie Eye” which is about their decades-long secret romance. “O-U-T spells out” they sang, as they gazed longingly into each other’s eyes.
All jokes aside, HOLY SHIT THE GHOST OF JOHN LENNON WAS THERE. Spookiest Grammy show ever.
Last but certainly not least, the undeniable star of the show was Beyonce’s butt.