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What Big Pumpkin doesn’t want you to know about the Pumpkin Spice Latte

pumpkin9f-1-webAs I’m sure you’ve noticed, it’s Pumpkin Spice season. It seems like everywhere you turn right now is something Pumpkin Spice flavored!  Every type of product is infused with the flavor of a fresh pumpkin pie: coffee (of course!), pastries and cookies, feminine health products, automotive fuels and even prescription drugs. (Hello? Big Pharma? Clearly a conspiracy … but that’s a topic for a different post.)

“I’m so sick of Pumpkin Spice!” many are now exclaiming. “It’s just so ridiculous! It’s everywhere!” “Pumpkin spice sucks! It’s literally ruining the entire season for me. Why can’t I just wear my fashionably baggy and warm clothing without having to see PUMPKIN everywhere?”

Eww! That doesn't look like a pumpkin to me!
Eww! That doesn’t look like a pumpkin to me!

Did you know: Most “Pumpkin Spice” drinks do NOT contain pumpkin! Read carefully, consumers, it’s just Pumpkin Spice.  Are you as shocked as I am?

It’s probably for the best anyway. Have you ever seen the pumpkin used for most commercial products? A machine cooks down the wholesome, raw vegetable, Mechanically Separates it into a substance referred to as “orange slime”. This looks nothing like a pumpkin, does it?  Companies buy this “orange slime” in bulk and actually reshape it into seemingly harmless products like pies, cakes, and cocaine.

So-called “Pumpkin Spice” is actually just a melange of flavors meant to TRICK your senses. You only THINK you’re consuming pumpkin!

Most pumpkin spice is mined in a remote and dangerous place called Arrakis. Miners are forced to work in dangerous conditions as we can see in this secret photo obtained from a highly reliable source:

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Starbucks’s Big Secret

This year, Starbucks started to market the “Pumpkin Spice Latte” as simply “PSL.”  You may think that it’s just a “hip” acronym, or an easier way to say three short words.

WRONG.

It is actually because the government has told them they are NOT ALLOWED to use the word “Pumpkin Spice” any more! The products they use are SO UNLIKE PUMPKIN that it is now Illegal for them to say the word Pumpkin! (Source: Google)

So what should you do, wise consumer?

Right now there’s very little that we can do because most Pumpkin products are FDA-approved and are supposedly “not harmful to humans.” We have independent researchers working to correct this, but in the meantime there are some simple things you can do.

Next time you go to the grocery store and see these offensive products, just keep walking. That’s right. Don’t look at them, don’t put them in your cart. Walk on by as if they don’t exist.

If you go to Starbucks, they may try to coerce you into buying a Pumpkin Spice Latte or PSL. Politely offering the seasonal special is one of the dirty tactics they use to trick you into consuming Pumpkin Spice.

JUST SAY NO!

Some people don’t realize that you can actually order anything from the menu, not just the specials offered by the Barista! They legally cannot force you to buy anything with faux pumpkin!

We guarantee that if you, like us, absolutely detest the very idea of Pumpkin Spice products, following these simple steps will help you endure the fall season.

Jennie Zell
About Jennie Zell 37 Articles
A space traveller from Liverpool, Jennie has come to drop knowledge on you. She is in a serious relationship with a handsome member of Starfleet, and has an adolescent Japanese daughter. Jennie’s super powers include designing magical gateways and drinking delicious cocktails.

3 Comments on What Big Pumpkin doesn’t want you to know about the Pumpkin Spice Latte

  1. Dear Mouthy Broadcast /Jennie;
    I am a white girl. Very white. Canadian-white. I like Starbucks, and yoga, flavoured lip gloss and fair trade chocolate. But PSL is too sweet for me and it smells weird. If i want those flavours I’d have a Chai Latte instead. That’s tea, not coffee. So, what do I do? Do I have to turn in my White Girl towel? Can i still go to yoga? Pumpkin bread is yummy can i still eat that? Help me mouthy broadcast you’re my only hope!

  2. I feel your pain, truly. if I could somehow not have any sweetner in my flavored coffees, I’d take that option every time. You are very welcome to be as white as you wanna be.

    Get it, girl!

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