Fatventures is going to be a regular column where I eat random weird snacks that I find, and review them. I’ll take requests, if there’s a food that you’d like me to try, email firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know! Bonus points if you send it to me for free. Negative points if you say HURRRHURR EAT MY DICK.
Fatventures: I eat, so you don’t have to!
This time I’ll be reviewing the Pumpkin Cannoli dip from Wawa.
First of all I have to say that I’m not proud of the fact that I’ve become the type of person who says things like “I just can’t eat cannolis ever since I had one in Sicily. It was SOOOO GOOOD coming from the people who invented the dish.” I want to punch people like that in the face.
But that quote is 100% true. Before Italy, I didn’t even like cannoli because they tended to taste like sweetened, condensed jizz-lard inside of a greasecookie shell. That little bakery in Taormina ruined me forever, and my heart aches longingly for the hazelnut-sprinkled pastry that turned me around that day.
Don’t you even dare tell me that the place down the street from you has good ones, because they do not. Calling anything else on this entire planet a cannoli other than THAT SPECIFIC CANNOLI is an insult to its memory.
But as usual, I digress.
So when I saw Wawa’s regular offering, the chocolate chip cannoli dip, I scoffed haughtily and grabbed a different snack. Probably a cheese-stuffed pretzel or something “buffalo wing” flavored.
At the sight the pumpkin-cinnamon, curiosity won. I will eat the shit out of anything pumpkin flavored. In fact if I knew sewer rat tastes like pumpkin pie, I WOULD eat the filthy motherfucker.
“But, pumpkin flavored food is for basic white chicks LOL are you basic?” Sure. You’ll realize when I shove my Doc Marten laden boot up your butthole, that there’s a big difference between Docs and Uggs.
So basically the concept of this stuff is, a pile of fake cannoli “chips” that you dip into the fake cannoli filling, so that at least it’s not QUITE as easy to inhale. That little bit of effort that it takes to life your arm and scoop up the filling might burn a few calories or something.
That never stopped me from eating anything before, so I took a scoop. The consistency of the filling actually wasn’t bad. A little softer and juicier than I’d normally like for things that I’m about to put in my mouth, but again, that never stopped me from trying.
I could already tell that I wanted to buy an entire bag of the chips alone. They were like a weird hybrid baby between a thick, baked pita chip and a cracker, smothered in cinnamon sugar.
Despite the mystery turds that the hid inside of the filling, which I suppose were supposed to be cinnamon “chocolate chips”, I took a bite. It was really surprisingly good. The most disappointing thing was the lack of actual pumpkin taste. It had a mere taint of pumpkin flavor but the cinnamon was the real star of the show.
Still, before I knew it the entire thing was gone. That is to say, the measly 4 cookies were gone and though I scooped generously, I was left to
ponder what the fuck to do with a significant amount of leftover filling.
I heard about this trick with peanut butter, I wonder if my dog would like this stuff too?
I was also really wishing that I’d shared it with someone because Wilford Brimley is now knocking at my door to talk to me diabeetus.
Pros: Will make you fat. Tastes really good. Like. Really good.
Cons: Diabeetus. Very little pumpkin flavor, obviously just cashing in on the pumpkin spice trend. Could have used at least one or two more chips to go with the filling.