Late-30’s Weird Mom Learns Pokemon For the First Time

This blog is not for kids. Go Away.

The phenomenon known as Pokemon is almost 20 years old. My daughter was born not too long after the game’s debut in Japan, so by the time it was a Big Deal in America, she was at prime age to start catching the little buggers. Somehow, it never fully caught on in our house so I didn’t learn much about them until this year.

pokemon-header2

Niantic, the company that makes Ingress, teamed up with Pokemon/Nintendo to create Pokemon Go, or as I call it, Poke Mongo or just “The Pokey Mans”. Unlike traditional Pokemon video games, you’ll have to go out into the real world to catch these Pocket Monsters.

As an Ingress addict, I was excited to have another similar  way to take time away from my boring life and family I MEAN I LOVE YOU GUYS.

JUST CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.

RIGHT ?!

To make it even better, I’m one of the lucky individuals chosen to be a Pokemon Go beta tester. This means I get to be really frustrated at learning an evolving game as they work the kinks out. So far it’s a lot of fun. You throw some balls around, catch little monsters in them, and make them fight other creatures. Pretty much your normal day, right? Eventually you can force them to evolve so it’s basically like PETA’s worst nightmare. I can’t give away too many details as I’m bound by a very strict agreement not to reveal {{ REDACTED }} or {{ REDACTED }} which is honestly the best part about the game.

For real, once the game is open to the public (in the next couple months, supposedly) you should give it a shot. It gives the Pokemon a very real world feel, and the graphics are slick. It’s definitely inspired by Ingress but with  adorable little creatures for you to imprison. I’ll post more thoughts about the game as soon as it’s public.

Until then, if you want to see a sneak preview, check out the video at the bottom of the page featuring some of the developers in an interview at E3. The major reveal in the video? The game will be out sometime before the end of July 2016. This came as a complete shock to most of us in the beta test who can’t see it being ready by then. Though to be fair, it seemed like a shock to some of the developers too, who didn’t get the memo from management.

Idiot’s Pokedex

Now if you ever met me, you know that I’m shit with names. There’s a good chance someone is reading this who has met me four of five times and I still don’t remember their name. So, when I started encountering Pokemon, I started coming up with names for them since I couldn’t remember the real ones. As I talk to other PoGo beta testers, many of whom are noobs like myself, some of them are starting to catch on.

Here’s the names that I’ve come up with so far. (Names marked with an asterisk were given by my daughter, who knows the real names but knows it’s more fun to come up with your own.)

250px-079Slowpoke
DERPY HIPPO DOG

077Ponyta_DreamFIRE PONY

TURD & TURDPILE

Seriously if you’re prairie dogging it that bad hit the bathroom before you shit yourself. PS, for your convenience I’ve omitted the picture I found depicting the turdpile gay 3-way that’s going on under the surface.

GAY BUNNY & LESBIAN BUNNY (lesbunny)

These are the only ones that seem to have a gender, with either a ♂ or ♀ next to their real names.

107-HitmonchanBOXING GROOT

POKEBALLS? really?

Y’all are being lazy.

250px-035ClefairyFAKE KIRBY

250px-114Tangela

FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER

I absolutely refuse to accept that it has any other name. R’amen.
250px-044GloomSLOBFLOWER

250px-124JynxTHE RACIST ONE.*

images
Jynx before redesign.

Koffing-RenderFART ROCK*

086CLUBBED SEAL

wait his real name is Seel? Lazy.

ANGRY CLAM**

This name provided by Tw1stedOne, without diagramming

094Gengar_OS_anime_3HANGRY

 I dunno why, I am just pretty sure he needs a Snickers

HopHopHop_Town_Drowzee_Psywave HYPNOPOTAMUS*

juggalopufJUGGALOPUFF

I know it’s a Jigglypuff. I just want to call it a Juggalopuff.

tumblr_m0i9uzwVfD1qigyqno1_500
Aka JIGGLYPUFF CALIENTE

250px-060PoliwagPOLISWAG*

250px-108LickitungMICK JAGGER

So there we go. as I discover new Pokemon I’ll probably update this blog with more names. Till then I’ll be off playing with balls and petting my pocket monster.

Further Reading:

Pokémon Go will be available in July for iOS and Android

Badly drawn Pokemon

This is great, trust me:

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Jennie Zell
About Jennie Zell 36 Articles
A space traveller from Liverpool, Jennie has come to drop knowledge on you. She is in a serious relationship with a handsome member of Starfleet, and has an adolescent Japanese daughter. Jennie’s super powers include designing magical gateways and drinking delicious cocktails.

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